Chicago

For the first time, I thought about the reality of moving to Chicago and nearly cried here at work. Even though I can't know how lonely I'll be or how lonely my mom will be, I know we'll both feel sad sometimes knowing the other is so far away. (Sheesh, I hope no one comes by my desk.) When we eat dinner or watch tv alone, especially. (I seriously can't stop crying about this at work, so I guess I'll move on to the positive.)

Sometimes I think I don't make friends very easily. From high school, I only have one person I would call a friend (my best friend, actually), and the same applies to college. If I consider a "friend" just someone I like, then I guess I have a lot. I worry a little that I won't have any friends besides Steve in Chicago, but most of me, honestly, doesn't want to bother with friends. Anna and Chrissy and Steve are enough for me, as long as I have some kind of work or interest to occupy my time. But I'm afraid I'll feel less than whole from the places I hold in myself for my family. Even my dad, who I rarely see and will probably start seeing even less in the very near future.

No matter what, I need to move on. I've let myself stagnate lately. More than that, I've let all the negative parts of my life make me feel like stagnating is the best I can do. In college, I had so much confidence in my future, and while I haven't lost confidence in who I am, I no longer have any sense that what I am doing or will do is worthwhile. Right now, the only thing I can point to that makes me a good person is that I fill a large hole in my mom's heart. (Okay, crying again.) And although I'd like to be the kind of person who would volunteer her time and donate money and all that as tangible signs that she's a good person, that's not who I am at the moment.