Daughter of the Century

Two nights ago, I went to a fancy event along with much of my extended family. It was great to see a lot of the people there, especially my female cousins to whom I've grown closer as we've grown up. I was underdressed and consequently feeling a little on edge, but trying to feel sexy-nerdy and put on a happy face to those who force me to do so.

As it is every time I see my dad with his new family, I had to brace myself and pretend that I'm okay when his new daughter walks in on holding his arm like I did for so many years at the same event. That I'm okay with the new dresses and shoes he bought for her and her mother, when I'm underdressed because I didn't want to spend $300 for a new gown. That I don't resent him for giving her a $30,000 Nissan Xterra for her first car, when I paid $1,000 for a Ford Tempo owned by my mother's parents, and for probably planning on giving her brother a $30,000 BMW when he turns 16 (well, it will be five years old...you guys wouldn't want that, anyway). That I think it's great that he's only known these people for two years and has spent a million dollars making a better house for them - to impress them. That he bought his girlfriend a $2,000 Chanel purse and a who-knows-how-many-thousand-dollar ring that she wore on her wedding ring finger until it became too conspicuous, and he makes me feel bad when I ask to borrow a piece of sheet music or a DVD. That he sees them every day, and won't even answer his goddamn phone when I or my brothers call him. That he goes on vacation with them and hides it or lies about it. That last year, when I agreed to go on vacation with him and his new family because my brothers also agreed to do so, he ignored me most of the time, and when we went to the movies, I saw a movie alone because I didn't want to watch fucking Cheaper by the Dozen II. That he blames me for the fact that our relationship suffered after he divorced my mom. That he lies to me constantly. That he thinks he's a better person than me because he says he believes certain things that I think are ridiculous.

He called me a month before this event to tell me I'd be sitting with my cousins, since I'd enjoyed spending time with them lately. I said that that was great, that I'd be happy to sit with them, thinking he meant maybe there were only six seats at his table. The reality was that he chose my brothers (and their significant others), along with his girlfriend and her children, to sit at his table, and that because of that, there was no room for me. What is humiliating is not that it was very obvious that I should have been at his table, but that he lied to me about the reason for it so that if I ever said anything, he could tell me that I sounded appreciative when he told me about it on the phone. He could ask me where I thought he should have put his girlfriend's children and I couldn't say, "What the fuck do I care?" or "Why the fuck are you bringing them?" But what the fuck do I care and why the fuck did he bring them?