Whenever I write on this thing, I always find it necessary to edit myself pretty heavily. My cutting floor is full of words and phrases like "of course," "obviously," "clearly," "I think," "in my opinion," and others which turn my constant doubt of the worth and ubiquity of my own knowledge into what appears to be arrogance or over-confidence. Whatever I write, I worry that readers are either wondering who in the world I think I am to be saying these things, or that what I'm saying has been said a thousand times, and better.
I've started a little late down the path of self-examination and critical thinking, but I know I'm further down the line than some, and that my thoughts are starting to be interesting. Not everyone reads what I write and thinks, "Yes, that's just what I thought 40 years ago" or "Doesn't everyone know that already?" I will have to continue to fight against this kind of self-doubt when I go to school, finding a balance between confidence in the things I know and commitment to honest inquiry. My self-defense mechanism when people take an attitude of superiority is to pretend to know more than I do, or to start talking in vagaries. Not helpful to anyone. This blog has been really helpful in getting started writing again, even if only to start purging myself of that extreme self-doubt and to encourage my commitment to be honest about the things I don't know.
5 comments:
I think you've done an excellent job of writing about what you know in a way that is neither arrogant nor cliché.
I always enjoy reading your blog. I doubt there's anyone who writes that isn't self-conscious about putting their thoughts on paper/screen. There's a lot of pressure, because once it's written it seems much harder to retract it. But hey, you're on blogger... if you change your mind about something you wrote, you can always go back and edit it :).
and here's a cartoon
I know what you mean about your cutting floor being scattered with words, punctuation, and grammatical forms (like the passive voice) from self-editing.
However, I agree with tcd, Lo, you don't write arrogantly or cliche-edly. Anyway, blogger is a great way to practice for an audience. Because even though we're all friends, we're still trying, especially on Soul and Meat, to conduct relatively academic converstations, I guess. We're not just journalling to each other (although those are my favorite blogs to read).
You are incredibly eloquent and articulate. You have been as long as I've known you. Don't worry about uni. I think I'm learning that as long as I keep my head up and my eyes focused ahead, literally and figuratively, I feel ok when I'm critisized or complemented on the things that matter most. I used to crumble under critisism. Doesn't matter from whom. If you tell me I'm wrong, or even that I could change this or change that, I'll probably cry. But a lot of rejection is a good thing, some times. And I'm finding a balance. A reason to put less import on my habitual pride/fear and to stand on my own feet and never let things like that worry my core.
Anyway, I'm extra nervous right now so I'm being brbljiv (which is a funny word in jugoslavian that means loquacious (more or less). I have this job conflict (if you can believe it...two at once after seven months of famine. when it rains it pours, I guess). I already took the less good job and I have to start right away but if I can manage to postpone it just a short while, then I can take an interview for the job I want more and then maybe be able to take this one instead. Either way, I have to take a job so I may not have a choice, which is making me nervous which is why I'm rambling. And i'll stop. now.
Later.
tcd, that's a very funny cartoon.
I think everyone feels this kind of insecurity, and it’s been helpful for me to know that even some of the true greats (Melville, Hemingway, Faulkner) felt the same way at times. We can’t all hope to be recognized as brilliant writers in the future, but there is a virtue in even putting your thoughts out there for all to see. It takes guts. You have a lot to offer and I hope you continue to get the encouragement you need to go on. But even failure is worthwhile if you are sincere in your efforts. There is such a thing as a magnificent failure, and some never even give themselves the chance to try.
Where is my whatyoudream? YOu've been quiet on here for over two weeks? Missing your voice...
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