Secretary

I recently wrote this to a friend of mine who saw my ranking of five stars out of five for the movie Secretary. She was surprised that I liked the movie because she felt it was an apologetic for abuse and dysfunction. I'm not sure that my response will convince her to like the movie, but I really think she has it wrong. I'd like to take more time to edit and flesh this out, but I've got better things to do. Finally.


Among other things I've done in the past several months, I took the time to watch Secretary again, which is one of my favorite movies. It's just so funny, and both Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader do such a great job with their characters. I was surprised by your reaction to the movie, especially by the idea that the movie is about abuse or even tries to promote it. Basically, I see the film as the story of two people who feel unloved and unlovable finding that their faults and needs don't have to be their downfall.

Lee Holloway turned to cutting herself as a means to deal with feelings of alienation caused by lack of attention from her alcoholic father and her abused mother, as well as by the suspicion that she's just not quite normal compared to her sister or people she knew in high school. What Lee Holloway lacks in herself and those around her (especially her father), she gains in Mr. Grey. Among other things, Mr. Grey instructs her (in carefully setting humane mouse traps, taking care with her appearance and mannerisms and answering the phone with confidence), guides her (in setting aside shyness in order to interact with others more successfully and in understanding the motivation behind cutting herself, thereby making it unnecessary) and demonstrates genuine, specific tenderness (albeit towards his orchids). As long as Lee can't supply her own self-esteem or confidence, Mr. Grey supplies it from without. His behavior towards her is straightforward, authoritarian and, yes, sadistic and domineering. However, because of Lee's longstanding confusion of pain with pleasure and because of her felt need to be controlled, Mr. Grey's behavior couldn't be called abuse.

Lee does her best to try conventional methods of finding love and happiness but meets with failure several times. She notes that Cosmo says that in order to get a guy to open up about his feelings, you should use a disarming joke, but when she tries this with Mr. Grey the advice falls flat. Her attempt to establish a relationship with Peter, a likely match, also meets with semi-unpredictable failure. On the face of it, Lee and Peter seem like a great pair, both having recently gone through nervous breakdowns leading to the realization that they are unlike others around them; both are young and good-looking and both are vulnerable, seeking direction and love. However, Peter's affection and love for Lee seem aimed in only a general direction, happening by pure chance to land on Lee. When they're flirting on their first date, Lee asks whether he's the kind of guy who washes his clothes right away or only when they're dirty, and he says, "I'm the kind of guy who wants to get married and have a kid." In stark contrast, Mr. Grey's affection is very specifically directed, as seen in his treatment of his orchids and in the humane release of the mice in his office. Lee is at a point in her life when the general love of those around her doesn't mean very much because she feels unlovable. In the middle of the movie, Lee says she starts to feel something unlock in Mr. Grey as he begins to learn more about Lee and the things she tries to hide. He loves her, specifically, because of who she is, and his advice and behavior are directed with the aim of making her life better.

At the same time, Mr. Grey sees his behavior as "bad," and being older, it seems likely that he's had enough encounters to reinforce the idea that he's not well, that his pleasure in pain is unacceptable and inappropriate and that he should resign himself to being alone. His insecurities and fear of rejection have led him to push everyone away (hence the constant need for a "Secretary" sign outside his office), afraid that once they know the real Mr. Grey they will be (rightly) disgusted and leave him. Everything Mr. Grey despises about himself, Lee shows that she loves, and vice versa.

I won't argue that it's not an apologetic for dysfunction. I think there is something wrong with the relationship between Mr. Grey and Lee, but not wrong morally, only wrong as compared to social norms. Sadism and masochism are not normal and are manifestations of feelings that could be dealt with in therapy or other ways, but that are in this case expressed sexually. The movie is trying to say that if that works for them - and it does - then let's wish them all the best. But we can still wish that they both deal with their underlying problems of self-worth and eventually stop feeling the need to inflict or receive pain.